Leave it up to the brilliance of Mark Steyn, Chicago Sun-Times columnist. In a eloquently-penned piece on April 9th, his pseudo-satire goes a long way to demonstrate the ridiculousness of this whole “compromise” situation with all of the illegal immigrants demanding their “rights” to be “legal.” I can neither improve on his prose, nor can I add to it – I can only illuminate its masterpiece quality, which is surpassed by very few, if any, in the world of journalism. I encourage you to read the entire article, but here is a sumptuous appetizer:

No easy answers on immigration conundrum
April 9, 2006
MARK STEYN, SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST

Here’s my immigration “compromise”: We need to regularize the situation of the 298 million non-undocumented residents of the United States. Right now, we get a lousy deal compared with the 15 million fine upstanding members of the Undocumented American community. I think the 298 million of us in the overdocumented segment of the population should get the chance to be undocumented. You know when President Bush talks about all those undocumented people “living in the shadows”? Doesn’t that sound kinda nice? Living in the shadows, no government agencies harassing you for taxes and numbers and paperwork.

Go ahead, try it. In Michelle Malkin’s book Invasion, she recounts the tale of two fellows who in August 2001 pulled into a 7-Eleven parking lot in Falls Church, Va., in search of fake ID from the illegal-alien assistance network that hangs around there. Luis Martinez-Flores, who’d been living here illegally since 1994, took them along to the local DMV, supplied them with a fake address and falsely certified they lived there. The very next day, the two guys returned with two pals of their own, and used their own brand-new state ID on which the ink was not yet dry to obtain in turn brand-new state ID for their buddies. A couple of weeks later, all four of them used their Virginia ID to board American Airlines Flight 77 at Dulles Airport and plowed it into the Pentagon.

HIJACKERS OF FLIGHT 77

Think about that. From undocumented illegal alien in the 7-Eleven parking lot to lawful resident of the State of Virginia in just a couple of hours. Wow. Say what you like about Luis Martinez-Flores, but he runs one efficient operation.

By comparison, say you’ve got two kids under 5, and you’d like to bring over a nice English nanny to look after them. Name of Mary Poppins. Good references, impeccable character. If you apply now, there’s a sporting chance the process may be completed before your children’s children are in college.

Given that the new immigration “compromise” bill retrospectively approves all the millions of people who’ve been through the super-efficient Luis Martinez-Flores immigration system but without doing anything to improve the sclerotic U.S. government immigration system, maybe it would be better just to subcontract the entire operation to Senor Martinez-Flores and his colleagues. It would certainly be cheaper. The extensive Undocumented American support network manages to run it out of the back of the car from a parking lot without a lot of air-conditioned offices full of lifetime employees on government pensions, and given that the net result is exactly the same people who’d be living here anyway, why not go with the lowball bid? Legal immigrants to the United States can only envy the swift efficient service Messrs. Hani Hanjour and Khalid Almihdhar received outside that 7-Eleven.

All developed countries have immigration issues, but few conduct the entire debate as disingenuously as America does: The president himself has contributed a whole barrelful of weaselly platitudes, beginning with his line that “family values don’t stop at the Rio Grande.” True. They don’t stop at the 49th parallel either. Or the Atlantic shore. Or the Pacific. So where do family values stop? At the Bureau of Citizenship and Immigration Services. If you’re an American and you marry a Canadian or Belgian or Fijian, the U.S. government can take years to process what’s supposed to be a non-discretionary immigration application, in the course of which your spouse will be dependent on various transitional-status forms like “advance parole” that leave her vulnerable to the whims of the many eccentric interpreters of U.S. immigration law at the nation’s airports and land borders.

Oh, Steyn doesn’t let up there…. he goes on to expose the preposterousness of how we treat legitimate people who want to come here (or are already here), contribute to our society, and not just become citizens of the greatest country on earth – they want to be PROUD of their new-found American citizenship, CALL themselves Americans, and live the American dream (not the “Mexican” dream, the “Philipino” dream… but the AMERICAN dream) as Americans! How DARE they be offended at the millions from the south who are demanding to jump to the front of the immigration line!? What GALL!

Steyn goes on…

Here’s another place where family values stops: The rubble of the World Trade Center. Deena Gilbey is a British subject whose late husband worked on the 84th floor: On the morning of Sept. 11, instead of fleeing, he returned to the building to help evacuate his co-workers. A few days later, Mrs. Gilbey receives a letter from the INS noting that as she’s now widowed her immigration status has changed and she’s obliged to leave the country along with her two children (both U.S. citizens). Think about that: Having legally admitted to the country the terrorists who killed her husband, the U.S. government’s first act on having facilitated his murder is to add insult to grievous injury by serving his widow with a deportation order. Why should illegal Mexicans be the unique beneficiaries of a sentimental blather about “family values” to which U.S. immigration is otherwise notoriously antipathetic?

Now onto another ridiculous argument:

How about “the jobs Americans won’t do”? Most of them would be more accurately categorized as the jobs American employers won’t hire Americans to do — that’s to say, in a business culture ever more onerously regulated, the immigration status of one’s employees has become one of the easiest means of controlling costs. I see no reason why this would change, and given that, as a matter of policy, U.S. illegal-immigration law is not enforced by the U.S. government, it’s hard to know why private employers should do it.

Sure, believe that if you want to. It’ll be good practice for swallowing the amnesty for the next 40 million circa 2025.

I have one argument for all those who say “well, let’s not criminalize.. let’s LEGALIZE!” Okay, so say you think that will be beneficial. What happens if we make them all legal just with a wave of a magic wand? What then? Now they’re all legal citizens of this country. Now they TRULY have American wage, labor, and EEO rights. Do you still think they’ll take the same low-paying jobs they are allegedly forced to work now, because that’s all they’ll be able to get? Are you joking? Hell no! Once they’re full-fledged “citizens” with all afforded rights and privileges of being a United States citizen, they’ll be joining up with the thoroughly corrupt unions, which will demand full union-scale wages, benefits, contracts, perks, etc.

So where would we be then? We’d be back at the bleeding-heart, weak-kneed politicians’ world – with “jobs no Americans will do.” So now that we’ve legalized all those Mexicans and OTMs, just who in the world do you think will take those jobs? Where will we get the labor force to DO those “meanial jobs” that no Americans will take? Stumped? You should be.

Oh, how CRASS of me.. sorry, I forgot..
they just want JOBS… yeah, that’s right…

Ask any liberal or turn-coat Republican that question – see if you can get an answer without a stammering “well, uh, uh… well, um.. Hey, somebody from my office will get back to you.”

Good luck, dreamer….it’s unfortunate we’re in an election cycle and our politicians only care about Hispandering to the illegals.

I’ve got a GRAND idea! How about we close the borders NOW (why not? Saudi Arabia is doing it, and South Korea has been doing it for a long time), and man it with National Guardsmen and watch towers with armed sharp-shooters. Then we can start with all of the illegals who are in our correctional institutions (which is a LARGE percentage of the prison population in major cities), those in our government welfare hospitals, and all other social services offices – load them up into C-130s and haul them back to the SOUTHERN border of Mexico! That would be a fantastic start. Then we could work on the other 10s of millions in our country while controlling the border at the same time.

If we can eventually get them all out and KEEP them out until they go through the standard processes we have currently in place to become a legal citizen, then the polticians wouldn’t have to worry about their votes. They wouldn’t be here TO vote. Problem solved! I know it would take time, but by God, if we don’t start now, as far behind the curve as we are, we’ll never get even close to getting “caught up” on controlling the flow.

By the way… has anyone taken a look at the ramifications of “Guest Worker” programs in Europe? Thomas Sowell has a fantastic piece on that, as well.

Folks, we have to put a “tourniquet” on the southern border to stop this bleeding. Then we can focus on fixing the arteries one at a time before the rest of this country hemorrhages out of control, eventually bleeding to death. It is our political correctness that will be the death of this country.

Our glorious nation will celebrate her 230th birthday on July 4th of this year – and perhaps her death.

It’s way past time to “wake up,” folks. We need to be slapped out of the comatose state in which we have found ourselves. According to the Dems, we should just “let a sleeping dog lie” (i.e., do nothing).

I say: “A sleeping dog who continues to lie will also continue to be infested with parasites until it is sucked dry of its very life blood, leaving only a lifeless carcass.”

I’ll leave you with a favorite quote of mine….

“Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn’t pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children’s children what it was once like in the United States where men were free.”

- Ronald Wilson Reagan

Also at Expose the Left